I haven’t been updating my blog recently, mostly because I was too lazy and had lots of college stuff and activities going on. My Internet connection is currently down for at least another 2 days, so I am stuck doing nothing and writing stuff in wordpad. Ahhh the joy….
I have to admit that I feel oddly more cheerful these days. Sure, the dysphoric feeling is still there and there are still times in a day that it really hits hard on me, but days had been bearable, sometimes even fun. God has been very generous. I think this is a story for another day. For today, it’s venting time!
So today, we had a church campus students outing, flying kites in some park. I was somewhat excited by it. Bible study before the outing ran smoothly and it wasn’t too bad. So my day started on a rather positive note.
Of course, when we were selecting kites, someone just had to say “guys, please har, don’t get a kite with Barbie dolls designs.” This pretty much killed whatever enthusiasm I had. Someone else added “They are exploring their gender identity.” And that first person replied “Please, don’t. Please don’t”. I wasn’t interested in kite flying anymore; my brain was on analysis mode again.
First, what’s up with them? I mean seriously, is it wrong for guys/males to have a fancy for Barbies? They may feel disgusted by that notion, but I am equally disgusted by what they said. Don’t take me wrong, Barbies with their super curvey body shapes and plastic paints a disturbing image in my mind, I don’t like them at all. But what is stopping a biological male from liking something like that if they want to?
What is it? Some sort of “sacred masculinity” that every biological male has to obey? The “Golden Rules”? Screw the rules. If you don’t agree with biological males playing with Barbies or even express interest in it, that’s your issue. You do not need to voice it out and assert that “Hey, you shouldn’t do it because it disturbs me”.
I sometimes wonder whether it is male ego, you know, needing to be some hunky brute, emotionless brick wall, all macho-ey. The fact that a fellow “member of the masculine group” decides to not stick to the rules of play somehow challenged them or even cause their masculinity to be questioned, and thus exerted responses such as the one above. Heh, insecurity…..Or is the person above said what he said because he was afraid that expressing interest in Barbie doll kite somehow would leads to the person being a homosexual or whatever? That would be an absurd reason ever if it is one. Seriously, I don’t understand men at all. I find them to be crude. I never will approach a man to “talk” or share about my personal problems. Sorry “brother”, we are not on the same team.
I am sick and tired of this society’s pressures and crazy expectations. And I HAVE to play by those darn “rules” as long as I am presenting this way and being defined as such by society.
Next, when did likes, dislikes, hobbies, or whatever preferences or activities became a measure of gender identity? This is a pretty shallow view. I sure as hell know who I am. But do I “act” like one? No, not fully. It doesn’t help that society decided to define me otherwise based on their assumptions instead of my own perception. But no matter what, they decided regardless of what I think and behaved accordingly.
Back when I was a child, I did play by all the “rules“of the “boys”. Of course, as time goes by, I started breaking those rules one by one, just because it wasn’t me. I was, and still am sliding around in the gender spectrum. And I do believe this made me be aware of things and to question the things the cisgendered society would never question.
Earlier in the week during a particular psychology class, the lecturer was talking about mate selection in humans, what humans look for in a mate. I was amazed how almost all of the girls in the class actually look for the same traits in their “male mate”, being strong and stuff like that. I wondering why would they so willingly submit to the Patriarchy system? I mean, can’t you be strong? Must you find someone to fill in the “strong” role? Is it because you lack it? I do not believe in that, I think it’s because they were led to believe in that.
It is pretty obvious. Society dictates that it’s okay for biological females to be afraid, to show it. This was again showed in an episode we had when we went for grilled fish on Friday. A girl getting all hysterical because of cats and how someone said “It’s because she’s a girl.” It’s because she’s a girl? What reason is that? It’s because how society said it? If she said it’s because the cat’s dirty, or the frog’s slimey and smelly, that’s understandable. But because one was born this way?
“Hey, you know what? It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to be continuously afraid for the rest of your life. It’s okay to not face your fears and deal with it. It’s okay to express it in hysterical yells or jumping around like some lunatic. It’s okay to be emotional. It’s okay to be weak and frail. It’s okay to blab la bla…Hey, that’s what men are for. You can just be afraid and a man will protect you”
Is that it? What society says? So it’s okay for her to have this irrational fear of cats and not deal with it, and also acting and yelling all hysterical? Idiotic…Don’t even let me start on the whole Patriarchy system…Of course, for boys, they would say that “boys don’t cry. Boys aren’t afraid of nothing! Men should be all strong and chivalrous. Men should be blab la bla”
I don’t know. I am amazed by how cisgendered people would just obey these and the rules laid down by society. I guess that if I was born a cisgendered biological female, I would probably just conform to these rules and be some girly girl. But the reality is, I am not cis. And the reality dictates that I am able to be aware of these things and question them. I have access to different stuff, some even “exclusively” stated to be available to one biological sex. I have likes, dislikes, preferences and activities that society “stereotypically”label of either one of the biological sex. But I am not at all comfortable with extreme of both ends of the gender spectrum. Rough sports? Yuck! Barbies and frilly stuff? Yuck! This is probably what Androgyny is all about.
The cisgendered society never ceases to amaze me. It’s just so hard to understand them….I could never imagine myself being cis, being able to follow all the rules…..in this society…I never could know what it feels to be…correct…..Either way, I was, and still not amused by the comments made by those people earlier today…it’s a screwed up thinking.
What? You think I should work out more to gain some muscles and broad shoulders? Sorry, not going to happen.
What? I should and WILL get married with a wife in the future and bear mum a grandchild? Sorry, not gonna happen. Sex’s not for me.
What? I should be more “gentleman” and protective because I am considered a member of the “biological male” pack? Sorry, not gonna happen. I help because of good will, or I want to or because one needs help or for my reasons, not because of a membership bestowed by the society.
I am no boy, no man. I am just Me, a living entity. So if you are looking for the guy named Chris, I think you got the wrong person. I would just love to shut off the whole world and just be a prisoner of my mind..but it wouldn’t change much..would it?
I KNOW God knows me, and will provide a resolution….the question is only WHEN. But I sure HOPE that it is soon…..
two sides of the same coin
